Thursday, October 14, 2010
could you please check the personal statement for me?
could you please check the personal statement for me?
I'm a high school student, applying for Hongkong University. Since English is not my native language. I might make grammar mistakes or write unideomatically. It acquires me to write a personal statement to tell the reasons to choose the school, what subject I'm going to choose and my prospects for my future and so on. so I would be appreciated if you take some time to give some advice on my statement: I chose the University of Hong Kong for the following reasons: 1ã€it ranks high among internationally schools. Its use of English teaching and international practice broaden my horizons. It also has a number of university staff most of which are internationally renowned scholars who will provide us a high level of teaching. 2ã€its student-centred group-learning can fully mobilize our creativity. 3ã€Hong Kong is an international metropolis, which has a good employment environment. 4ã€China is getting more and more open. As a result, it will need more international talents. I would prefer Business as my major, because it is one of the subjects that enjoys greatest reputation. Talking about the prospects for the future, I intend to build up firm foundation in the college at the same time I broaden my horizons in Hong Kong. It would be best if I could get the opportunity to go abroad in exchange student programs. At the same time I wish to have interdisciplinary learning opportunities, so that I can become an all-rounder as well as expertise of different areas, and be able toserve the society well. In short, I will continue to struggle hard and be positive.
Primary & Secondary Education - 4 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Wow, people traveling abroad to China applying for school. WTF. Unfortunate but a modern reality. Seems like you have got the right idea though. I think you will get in just fine. Also, your english is quite good. Better even than many Americans, unfortunately.
2 :
I am not an English Teacher ... but ... here is my opinion: Your reason # 1 ... It ranks high among international (drop the ly) schools. Again, reason # 1 ... scholars who will provide us (drop the us) a high level of teaching. Your reason #2 ... Its student-centred (I believe, it should be spelled centered, but I am not certain). Otherwise, I feel, it looks great! Best Wishes!
3 :
dude...you wana go 2 hong kong because of ur english?? unless ur chinese or 'hong konean' or have a problem with the verbal aspects of english , i dont see y in the world u would go 2 hong kong. 4 real ..... america has the best universities not "hong kong"... u sound like an intelligent person and looks to me like ur english is good maybe u just lack confidence... hong kong sounds a bit extreme....come on...seriously.
4 :
Your statement sounds solid and reflects organized thought. Most of the corrections are minor, and several are simply improvements in style which come with age. You have very good English skills. --Good luck! PART 1: I chose the University of Hong Kong for the following reasons: 1. it ranks high among international schools. 2. its use of English teaching and international practice will broaden my horizons. 3. HKU's university staff , many who are internationally renowned scholars, will provide a challenging level of teaching. 4. its student-centred, group learning can fully mobilize creativity. 5. Hong Kong's international metropolis possesses a solid employment environment. 6. China is opening its/her doors wider. As a result, she/it will need more international talents. -or- China is opening her doors wider and will need more international talent Corrections: 1. changed internationally to international 2. separated this point from the 1st 3. separated this point from the 1st -used HKU because 'it' was redundant. -removed 'us' -reworded the sentence -added commas to set off the appositive -I separated the three sentences in #1. Were you limited to just four reasons? 4. -added comma to separate adjectives -centred is fine, it's the British spelling -removed the hyphen from group-learning. -removed 'our' 5. enlivened the sentence by removing the being verb 'is' 6. replaced 'getting more and more open' with a stronger verb. -choose the pronoun you prefer. -also, you had the word 'more' in both sentences, which was redundant. PART 2: I think I knew what you were aiming for. If anything sounds 'off' to you, feel free to disregard it. I won't list the corrections except to say that 'struggle' has negative implications so I replaced it with diligent. You may want to look up both words in the thesaurus and see if you prefer another term. I would prefer Business as my major because it is one of the subjects that enjoys great reputation. (I love the use of the word enjoys.) Anticipating future prospects, I intend to build a firm foundation in the college at the same time I broaden my horizons in Hong Kong. It would be ideal if I could experience the opportunity to go abroad in an exchange student program. At the same time, I wish to engage in interdisciplinary learning opportunities to become an all-rounder, to gain expertise in different areas, and to serve society. In short, I will continue to be diligent and positive. (Struggle has negative implications so I replaced it with diligent. You can look up both words in the thesaurus and see if you prefer another term.) I also want to point out one more correction: So I would be appreciative if you took some time... (or) So I would appreciate if you took the time... (appreciated is the past tense form)
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